Confessions of a Quackbuster

This blog deals with healthcare consumer protection, and is therefore about quackery, healthfraud, chiropractic, and other forms of so-Called "Alternative" Medicine (sCAM).

Friday, July 15, 2005

Seventeen Questions

Neva Chonin

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Other people are out having fun in the sunshine, but I cannot. I am too busy thinking. Yes. I have questions that need answering, and Google just isn't supplying satisfying results. These questions, they buuuurn. So I'm throwing them open to anyone who's reading this, because I think y'all are smart like whoa. Opinionated, anyway. Let's start with ...

1) Nipples on men: I figure there's a plausible explanation for this, yeah? Something to do with fetal development and how we all begin as bisexual before the XX and XY chromosomes do their thing. So! Male nipples might just be a memory of what might have been, blah, blah, blah and so forth. Fear my scientific mind! Do they serve a function, though? Beyond supplying a target for tweaking and clamping and ... other things. And since we're on the subject, what's up with that little halo of hair around men's nipples? I don't think I like it. I think nipples should be smooth. Because, you know, ick.

2) Do women have Adam's apples? I've heard we do, but the nay-saying persists. Where did the term "Adam's apple" come from, anyway?

3) Aliens: Why always naked? Ever noticed how old-school humanoid aliens always arrived decked out in ornamental finery (and speaking English), while the little guys with the big eyes (a la "Close Encounters of the Third Kind"), or those ambulatory phalluses with teeth (see "Alien"), or those insectile brainiacs ("War of the Worlds") have seemingly evolved beyond clothing? Did it bother the kids in "E.T." that their extraterrestrial pal had neither trousers nor genitals? WHAT IS STEVEN SPIELBERG UP TO? For that matter, how do these aliens excrete? They have mouths, so why nothing at the other end? Has anyone ever seen alien buttocks?

4) What's the story behind the Seventh Dwarf? At the end of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs," Snow White kisses six dwarfs goodbye. Does anyone know which dwarf was left out, and why? Was impropriety involved? Did Snow White have a torrid affair with Grumpy before ditching him for a prince? WHAT WAS WALT DISNEY UP TO?

5) Lord Ganesha's elephant head: What's up with that? Was this the best Shiva and Parvati could do? Wasn't it too big for his body? And how many arms, really? Did he ever have to attend a public school and explain his appearance, or was he homeschooled?

6) The Wrestling Riddle: Why is it acceptable for straight guys to wrestle half naked, crawl on top of one another and drape their legs every which way, yet forbidden for these same guys to have physical contact off the mat? I observed some very macho dudes engaging in this activity at the gym last week, and I'm telling you: soft-core porn. Dudes, explain.

7) Gay men: Why so sexy? Maybe it's the impeccable grooming and saucy demeanor. Maybe it's something sublime and ineffable. You tell me.

8) Zombies: Why so fun? Everyone loves the living dead. What's the draw? What's your favorite zombie flick? Do you like your animated corpses slow and shuffling (in the George Romero tradition) or quick 'n' deadly, like sharp- toothed bunnies (as in "28 Days Later")?

9) Candy: Why so good?

10) Bono: Why so lame? Why so loud? Why so annoying? Why is there a Bono?

11) Live 8: Uplifting social experiment or pointless exercise in moral narcissism? Does anybody need to hear Bob Geldof trot out "I Don't Like Mondays" one more time? Is Africa any better off as a result? Should pop stars just shut up?

12) Explain the success of "Dancing With the Stars."

13) Why don't Bad Guys ever win? Didn't Captain Hook deserve to get the better of Peter Pan, that ostensible hero who was in fact a homicidal little sociopath with a mother complex? Who decides these things? Perhaps we will learn the answer to this question once we figure out ...

14) The Scooby-Doo Conundrum. Why do movie villains insist upon relating their life stories, motivations, plans for world domination and favorite recipes to the film's protagonists before dispatching them? Because you'd think they'd have learned by now, man, that this is a really bad idea.

15) Is Tom Cruise evil?

16) Satan: Why so hot? Why do Christian comics always portray Satan as buff and laughing? What's more, why are the angelic hordes so grim and humorless and blond? Does being good mean we can't be ripped, happy brunets? Is physical fitness an impediment to spiritual enlightenment? Discuss.

17) The Faulty Reasoning of the Comb-Over: Please explain. Has anyone ever complimented a man on his comb-over? Has a comb-over ever convinced anyone that there's really a full head of hair on a balding pate? Why, then, do men engage in this barbaric custom and open themselves to mockery? I ask because I care. I care a lot.

And there they are, my questions on a summer's day. By all that is holy, climb out of the swimming pool and help me. Because ... because a questioning mind is a terrible thing to waste. Or ignore. Or taste, if one happens to be a zombie (see question No. 8).